Genesis 13 to 17- smiting, land grabs, inconceivable fertility

Chapter 13

Abram and his brother’s kid Lot are big and rich

Ch 13 verse 6 And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great,so that they could not dwell together.

So, here we could talk about carrying capacity, and critiques of Hardin’s tragedy of the commons. But we won’t.

So Lot lights out for the territory (Sodom, where the men were wicked), which you can’t do nowadays that the world ain’t empty.

And Abram heads for Hebron. Sigh.

Chapter 14

Kings smiting each other. Or rather, kings getting their underlings to smite each other.
What’s a bayonet- a weapon with a worker at both ends…

And Abram goes behind enemy lines to rescue his nephew Lot, and then refuses the booty the King of Sodom offers him.

Chapter 15

So God rewards Abram with a kind of whack fertility programme

verse 9 Take me a heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and turtledove, and a young pigeon. And some slugs, snails and puppy dogs’ tails while you’re at it.

Crikey, Abram nods off and then…

Verse 18 In the same day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying. “Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates…

There may be trouble ahead… God’s no better at real estate than he is at terra-forming…

Chapter 16

Sarai can’t get up the duff. She gives Abe her Handmaid, Hagar, to knock up.

It works, but be careful what you wish for


Ch 16 verse 3 And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.

Abram gives Sarai permission to be a cow to Hagar. Sarai is a cow, thus Hagar legs it. She gets skiptraced and brought back by one of gods angels acting as a bailbondsmanangel, who says the kid, “Ismael” is going to be a proper psycho. Which should be no hassle for an 86 year old dad to cope with, eh?

Chapter 17

Abram gets a deed poll from God as a 99th birthday present- now “Abraham” and Sarai becomes “Sarah.”

And here’s the deal. In exchange for the real estate previously mentioned (“all the land of Canaan”) then Abe’s lot


Verse 10 Every man child among you shall be circumcised

So, what’s the materialist anthropological take on this? Enquiring minds would like to know.
[Tacky joke- “What’s the biggest drawback?” “An elephant’s foreskin.”]

And Abraham actually laughs in the face of God

Verse 17 Then Abraham fell upon his face and laughed and said in his heart. Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? And shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

God says ‘yup, and he’ll be called Isaac. And chill, Ishmael the psycho will not be forsaken.’

And Ismael will not be foreskinned either.

Abraham, Ishmael and all the blokes are then circumcised. These verses are basically repeated, which I’ll be has made congregations through the ages wince and cross their legs repeatedly when they hear them.


About dwighttowers

Below the surface...
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