God’s sanctioned way with dealing with a good lookin’ female Prisoner of War- kidnap her, cut her hair off and nails (she might scratch!) Give her a month to get over your murder of her folks. Rape her. Seemed like fun? Yours to keep! No fun? Well, tell her to piss off. No compensation of course .(Deuteronomy Chapter 21 Verse 10 to 14)
And Moses keeps talking (!)
He recaps what Yahweh did to the Egyptians…
Verse 4: And what he did unto the army of Egypt, unto their horses, and to their chariots; how he made the water of the Red sea to overflow them as they pursued after you, and how the LORD hath destroyed them unto this day;
And to those who disobeyed
Verse 6: And what he did unto Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, the son of Reuben: how the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their households, and their tents, and all the substance that was in their possession, in the midst of all Israel:
And Moses seems blind to the evidence/faith/puff-of-logic/black-and-white/zebra crossing conundrum…
Verse 7: But your eyes have seen all the great acts of the LORD which he did.
And the faithful shall be rewarded (see above)
Verse 14-6: That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil. And I will send grass in thy fields for thy cattle, that thou mayest eat and be full. Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them;
And a little geo-political expansion might be on the cards…
Verse 22: For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; Then will the LORD drive out all these nations from before you, and ye shall possess greater nations and mightier than yourselves. Every place whereon the soles of your feet shall tread shall be yours: from the wilderness and Lebanon, from the river, the river Euphrates, even unto the uttermost sea shall your coast be.
Go get it. God says it’s yours…
Verse 31: For ye shall pass over Jordan to go in to possess the land which the LORD your God giveth you, and ye shall possess it, and dwell therein.
Don’t go showing no respect for conquered people’s gods. (That cultural relativism thing makes God more than somewhat peeved).
Verse 2-3 Ye shall utterly destroy all the places, wherein the nations which ye shall possess served their gods, upon the high mountains, and upon the hills, and under every green tree: And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire; and ye shall hew down the graven images of their gods, and destroy the names of them out of that place.
And fill yer boots… but keep it kosher, capisce?
Verse 15 Notwithstanding thou mayest kill and eat flesh in all thy gates, whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, according to the blessing of the LORD thy God which he hath given thee: the unclean and the clean may eat thereof, as of the roebuck, and as of the hart.
but keep it kosher, capisce?
Verse 16: Only ye shall not eat the blood; ye shall pour it upon the earth as water.
And there’s more repetitious ruling on what can be eaten where and when and by whom.
Oh, and you can’t pick and chose your bits…
Verse 32: What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.
See this fun email that did the rounds about ten years ago.
And like an investor in a Ponzi scheme, you should be careful of false prophets…
Verse 1-3: If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder, And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them; Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.
Kill the false prophet. Oh, and if your brother, son, daughter, wife, mother, ‘bosom friend,’ milkman (ok, I made that last one up), tries to get you following anyone else, you don’t just decline politely. No,
Verse 8-9 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him. But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
A little light stoning to death will serve as a warning, pour encourager les autres…
Verse 11: And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall do no more any such wickedness as this is among you.
Gotta stop that social media contagion before it gets hold, eh?
But don’t just be reactive, be proactive in your boundary patrolling…
Verse 13 Certain men, the children of Belial, are gone out from among you, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known; Then shalt thou inquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, if it be truth, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought among you; Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.
A little collateral damage never hurt anyone. No, wait…
This is what I think they call a scorched earth policy…
Verse 16: And thou shalt gather all the spoil of it into the midst of the street thereof, and shalt burn with fire the city, and all the spoil thereof every whit, for the LORD thy God: and it shall be an heap for ever; it shall not be built again.
And don’t go souveniring and looting. God might get predictably angry with you. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry…
Verse 17: And there shall cleave nought of the cursed thing to thine hand: that the LORD may turn from the fierceness of his anger, and shew thee mercy, and have compassion upon thee, and multiply thee, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers;
God is telling them about their Atkins diet.
Verse 4-6 These are the beasts which ye shall eat: the ox, the sheep, and the goat, The hart, and the roebuck, and the fallow deer, and the wild goat, and the pygarg, and the wild ox, and the chamois.
And every beast that parteth the hoof, and cleaveth the cleft into two claws, and cheweth the cud among the beasts, that ye shall eat.
Erm, what’s a pygarg? What a cool scrabble word!!! It’s an antelope.
And here’s some of the crap they aren’t allowed to eat.
Verse 7-8 Nevertheless these ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the coney: for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof; therefore they are unclean unto you. And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.
And it goes on. And nothing that dies of old age
Verse 21: Ye shall not eat of any thing that dieth of itself: thou shalt give it unto the stranger that is in thy gates, that he may eat it; or thou mayest sell it unto an alien: for thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God…
And don’t forget to give to charidee…
Verse 27-9: And the Levite that is within thy gates; thou shalt not forsake him; for he hath no part nor inheritance with thee. At the end of three years thou shalt bring forth all the tithe of thine increase the same year, and shalt lay it up within thy gates: And the Levite, (because he hath no part nor inheritance with thee,) and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, which are within thy gates, shall come, and shall eat and be satisfied; that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hand which thou doest.
And give charity like you want to! No begrudging, for that is a Thought Crime…
Verse 9-11 Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the LORD against thee, and it be sin unto thee. Thou shalt surely give him, and thine heart shall not be grieved when thou givest unto him: because that for this thing the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto. For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.
The poor shall indeed never cease out of the land. Cameron will make sure of that…
And holy shit. Say you’ve had a servant six years and you’re obliged to let him go and he says, “nah I like it here” then …
Verse 17: Then thou shalt take an aul, and thrust it through his ear unto the door, and he shall be thy servant for ever. And also unto thy maidservant thou shalt do likewise.
These servants should get themselves a union! Strike, strike, strike!!!
Passover this, Unleavened bread that. Feasts. Tabernacles. Sabbaths. Yadda yadda yadda.
And don’t bribe your judges…
Verse 18-9 Judges and officers shalt thou make thee in all thy gates, which the LORD thy God giveth thee, throughout thy tribes: and they shall judge the people with just judgment. Thou shalt not wrest judgment; thou shalt not respect persons, neither take a gift: for a gift doth blind the eyes of the wise, and pervert the words of the righteous.
Let’s have that again – “a gift doth blind the eyes of the wise, and pervert the words of the righteous.”
Very quotable, that. Will use it as an excuse next time I forget someone’s birthday.
And you have a duty to hunt out the evil-doers, and – after a swift and fair trial – stone the bastards stone-dead.
Verse 2-5: If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant, And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded; And it be told thee, and thou hast heard of it, and inquired diligently, and, behold, it be true, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought in Israel: Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.
But, as a safeguard, there’s gotta be more than one witness, and the witnesses get to do the killing.
Verse 6: At the mouth of two witnesses, or three witnesses, shall he that is worthy of death be put to death; but at the mouth of one witness he shall not be put to death.
and the witnesses get to do the killing.
Verse 7: The hands of the witnesses shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterward the hands of all the people. So thou shalt put the evil away from among you.
Erm, isn’t this a little primiti… oh, yeah.
More repetition, (about the Supreme Court, in effect) and then the rules that say the leaders aren’t supposed to enrich themselves… Yeah, right.
Verse 16-7: But he shall not multiply horses to himself, nor cause the people to return to Egypt, to the end that he should multiply horses: forasmuch as the LORD hath said unto you, Ye shall henceforth return no more that way. Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold.
And he’s to write out the laws “and he shall read therein all the days of his life”
Keep feeding the Levites, and when you get to the Promised Land
Verse 10: There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch,
An observer of times? That’s a pretty broad prohibition…
Verse 11 Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.
So, no Harry Potter for you lot then!
And God gives ambiguous instructions about how to spot false profits. Epic fail at Popperian falsifiability there, BSG…
And we get a repeat of the order to create sanctuary towns for people who’ve accidentally killed someone…
Verse 5-6 As when a man goeth into the wood with his neighbour to hew wood, and his hand fetcheth a stroke with the axe to cut down the tree, and the head slippeth from the helve, and lighteth upon his neighbour, that he die; he shall flee unto one of those cities, and live: Lest the avenger of the blood pursue the slayer, while his heart is hot, and overtake him, because the way is long, and slay him; whereas he was not worthy of death, inasmuch as he hated him not in time past.
But if someone thinks there’s a loophole for homicide, they should think again…
Verse 11-2 But if any man hate his neighbour, and lie in wait for him, and rise up against him, and smite him mortally that he die, and fleeth into one of these cities: Then the elders of his city shall send and fetch him thence, and deliver him into the hand of the avenger of blood, that he may die.
And no moving of landmarks, and stuff on witnesses, and then one of those lines that gets trotted out a lot…
Verse 21: And thine eye shall not pity; but life shall go for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.
And if you’re outnumbered and/or outgunned, don’t worry, God is on your side…
Verse 1: When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies, and seest horses, and chariots, and a people more than thou, be not afraid of them: for the LORD thy God is with thee, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.
Oh, and “Peace” is when the other guy surrenders without a fight…
Verse 11-4 When thou comest nigh unto a city to fight against it, then proclaim peace unto it. And it shall be, if it make thee answer of peace, and open unto thee, then it shall be, that all the people that is found therein shall be tributaries unto thee, and they shall serve thee. And if it will make no peace with thee, but will make war against thee, then thou shalt besiege it: And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.
But God has a Shit List.
Verse 16-7 But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth: But thou shalt utterly destroy them; namely, the Hittites, and the Amorites, the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites; as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee:
Why? To make sure
Verse 18: That they teach you not to do after all their abominations, which they have done unto their gods; so should ye sin against the LORD your God.
But while you are killing innocent people, women, children etc, make sure you don’t damage any fruit trees.
Verse 19: When thou shalt besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take it, thou shalt not destroy the trees thereof by forcing an axe against them: for thou mayest eat of them, and thou shalt not cut them down (for the tree of the field is man’s life) to employ them in the siege:
Nice to know God is a greenie.
Ooh, and now it gets all CSI…
Verse 1-4 If one be found slain in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee to possess it, lying in the field, and it be not known who hath slain him: Then thy elders and thy judges shall come forth, and they shall measure unto the cities which are round about him that is slain: And it shall be, that the city which is next unto the slain man, even the elders of that city shall take an heifer, which hath not been wrought with, and which hath not drawn in the yoke; And the elders of that city shall bring down the heifer unto a rough valley, which is neither eared nor sown, and shall strike off the heifer’s neck there in the valley:
Poor cow. Just cos there’s a corpse.
Oh, now this bit is likely to have all the feminists in a lather, with their silly notions of a patriarchy that controls women’s bodies…
Say you went to war (and won, of course, cos you have God on your side),
Verse 11-14 And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house; and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.
So, kidnap her, cut her hair off and nails (she might scratch!) Give her a month to get over your murder of her folks. Rape her. Seemed like fun? Yours to keep! No fun? Well, tell her to piss off. No compensation of course.
And first born sons of hated wives get some protection.
But watch out if you are a stubborn or rebellious son!!
Verse 18- 21 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
Do you think the nutjob who wrote this bit was maybe trying to justify (his desire for the) killing of disobedient kids?
And this last bit – I wonder how the so-called 17th century English godly sorts who would hang the bodies of their enemies and criminals in gibbets dealt with the contradiction?
Verse 22-3 And if a man have committed a sin worthy of death, and he be to be put to death, and thou hang him on a tree: His body shall not remain all night upon the tree, but thou shalt in any wise bury him that day; (for he that is hanged is accursed of God;) that thy land be not defiled, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.
Be thy brother’s keeper (of his ox and all that)
Oh, and no trannying!! God gets cross at cross-dressing!!
Verse 5: The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.
And developers have to respect the whole SSSI thing…
Verse 6: If a bird’s nest chance to be before thee in the way in any tree, or on the ground, whether they be young ones, or eggs, and the dam sitting upon the young, or upon the eggs, thou shalt not take the dam with the young:
And a recap of Leviticus more Kuh-razy stuff
Verse 11-2 Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture, wherewith thou coverest thyself.
And accusing a woman you married of not being a virgin will get you a stiff fine of 100 shekels.
Verse 20-1But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
Adultery and pre-marital sex will get you killed…
Verse 22-4 If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel. If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her. Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour’s wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
At least there is punishment for rape!
Verse 25-6 But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die: But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death:
Well, that’s enlightened, innit?
Verse 30: A man shall not take his father’s wife, nor discover his father’s skirt.
His father’s skirt? But if the father is cross-dressing, and that’s an abomination, doesn’t the son have to kill his dad? And that’s a breach of the commandment about loving and respecting, so then the son has to die…
Verse 1: He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
(And presumably the hemaphrodites would be told to go screw themselves)
And more people on God’s shit list.
And I wonder how folks returning escaped slaves dealt with the following verse?
Verse 15: Thou shalt not deliver unto his master the servant which is escaped from his master unto thee:
Presumably by claiming the Bible had to be, um, interpreted. And, um, contextualised. But I suppose I am retconning – the whole fundamentalism/literalism thing is an early 20th century innovation, no?
Verse 24-5 When thou comest into thy neighbour’s vineyard, then thou mayest eat grapes thy fill at thine own pleasure; but thou shalt not put any in thy vessel. When thou comest into the standing corn of thy neighbour, then thou mayest pluck the ears with thine hand; but thou shalt not move a sickle unto thy neighbour’s standing corn.