Joshua 13
God seems unwilling (because he’s obviously not unable!) to turn back time for his Cher-ished servant
Verse 1 Now Joshua was old and stricken in years; and the LORD said unto him, Thou art old and stricken in years, and there remaineth yet very much land to be possessed.
Followed by a list of all the bits that aren’t yet (blood) red on the map, and His inevitable promise to “drive out from before the children of Israel.”
And it becomes like reading the fracking index of an A to Z…
Verse 18 And Jahazah, and Kedemoth, and Mephaath,
see?
Joshua 14
Then Joshua gets a begging request from an old-timer, one of Moses’ scouts.
Verse 6 Then the children of Judah came unto Joshua in Gilgal: and Caleb the son of Jephunneh the Kenezite said unto him, Thou knowest the thing that the LORD said unto Moses the man of God concerning me and thee in Kadesh-barnea.
Which is why they now think they own Hebron…
Verse 12-3 Now therefore give me this mountain, whereof the LORD spake in that day; for thou heardest in that day how the Anakims were there, and that the cities were great and fenced: if so be the LORD will be with me, then I shall be able to drive them out, as the LORD said. And Joshua blessed him, and gave unto Caleb the son of Jephunneh Hebron for an inheritance.
Joshua 15
Scintillating stuff – the borders of the Judah tribe’s bally balliwick.
Verse 8 And the border went up by the valley of the son of Hinnom unto the south side of the Jebusite; the same is Jerusalem: and the border went up to the top of the mountain that lieth before the valley of Hinnom westward, which is at the end of the valley of the giants northward:
And Caleb, new “owner” of Hebron, has to sub-contract out some of the smiting. Blackwater avant la lettre… With added incest…
Verse 16-7 And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjath-sepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife
List of “cities” (that is, mud huts) on the borders of Judah. Yawnorama.
Joshua 16
Now we are lucky to hear about the borders of the tribe of Joseph.
And the Eprhaimites, who seem to have gotten a bit slack on the whole clearing the land of its previous inhabitants thing…
Verse 10 And they drave not out the Canaanites that dwelt in Gezer: but the Canaanites dwell among the Ephraimites unto this day, and serve under tribute.
Careful, or there’ll be a terra nullius ruling you don’t like…
Joshua 17
Then Manasseh’s snout-portion of the trough, including Zelophedad’s lot, who have to ask Joshua for a ruling cos he only had daughters, not sons.
And inevitably there’s grumbling. “Daaa-aaa—-ad, it’s not FAIR. Billy got to smite them all and rape their women LAST TIME.”
Verse 14 And the children of Joseph spake unto Joshua, saying, Why hast thou given me but one lot and one portion to inherit, seeing I am a great people, forasmuch as the LORD hath blessed me hitherto?
Joshua tells them to man up and quit the blubbing
Verse 15 And Joshua answered them, If thou be a great people, then get thee up to the wood country, and cut down for thyself there in the land of the Perizzites and of the giants, if mount Ephraim be too narrow for thee.
More whining about how the Canaanites have chariots of iron and Joshua caves in, promising deforestation and de-Canaanitation
Verse 18 But the mountain shall be thine; for it is a wood, and thou shalt cut it down: and the outgoings of it shall be thine: for thou shalt drive out the Canaanites, though they have iron chariots, and though they be strong.
Joshua 18
Joshua calls the remaining tribes slackers, and wants them to send out reconnoitering parties.
Verse 2-3 And there remained among the children of Israel seven tribes, which had not yet received their inheritance. And Joshua said unto the children of Israel, How long are ye slack to go to possess the land, which the LORD God of your fathers hath given you?
and wants them to send out reconnoitering parties.
Verse 4 Give out from among you three men for each tribe: and I will send them, and they shall rise, and go through the land, and describe it according to the inheritance of them; and they shall come again to me.
’tis done, and we then get chapter and verse about what Benjamin buttons. And it includes somewhere even I have heard of…
And Zelah, Eleph, and Jebusi, which is Jerusalem, Gibeath, and Kirjath; fourteen cities with their villages. This is the inheritance of the children of Benjamin according to their families.
Joshua 19
Simeon’s bits.
And I am suffering from terminal border-dom.
I’m tyred of this, I’ve had my brimful of Asher
Verse 29-31 And then the coast turneth to Ramah, and to the strong city Tyre; and the coast turneth to Hosah; and the outgoings thereof are at the sea from the coast to Achzib: Ummah also, and Aphek, and Rehob: twenty and two cities with their villages. This is the inheritance of the tribe of the children of Asher according to their families, these cities with their villages.
And of course, there’s always some who aren’t happy with what they’re given. And the take action accordingly…
Verse 47 And the coast of the children of Dan went out too little for them: therefore the children of Dan went up to fight against Leshem, and took it, and smote it with the edge of the sword, and possessed it, and dwelt therein, and called Leshem, Dan, after the name of Dan their father.
Oh thank Yahweh, there’s an end to the border patrol…
Verse 49-50When they had made an end of dividing the land for inheritance by their coasts, the children of Israel gave an inheritance to Joshua the son of Nun among them: According to the word of the LORD they gave him the city which he asked, even Timnath-serah in mount Ephraim: and he built the city, and dwelt therein.
Joshua 20
God is having to repeat (now via Joshua) the whole “cities of refuge” thing
Verse 3-4 That the slayer that killeth any person unawares and unwittingly may flee thither: and they shall be your refuge from the avenger of blood. And when he that doth flee unto one of those cities shall stand at the entering of the gate of the city, and shall declare his cause in the ears of the elders of that city, they shall take him into the city unto them, and give him a place, that he may dwell among them.
The need to repeat might imply this hasn’t been so obeyed?
Joshua 21
And the people with the genes of Levi want a word with Eleazar the priest and Joshua.
Verse 2-3 And they spake unto them at Shiloh in the land of Canaan, saying, The LORD commanded by the hand of Moses to give us cities to dwell in, with the suburbs thereof for our cattle. And the children of Israel gave unto the Levites out of their inheritance, at the commandment of the LORD, these cities and their suburbs.
And there’s a lot of suburban sprawl…
Verse 30-1 And out of the tribe of Asher, Mishal with her suburbs, Abdon with her suburbs, Helkath with her suburbs, and Rehob with her suburbs; four cities.
Te deum? Tedious… And God gets a shout out for keeping his promises…
Verse 45 There failed not ought of any good thing which the LORD had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass.
Joshua 22
Joshua tells the Reubenites and the Gadites and the half tribe of Manasseh that they’ve Done Good, kept all the commandments
Verse 4 And now the LORD your God hath given rest unto your brethren, as he promised them: therefore now return ye, and get you unto your tents, and unto the land of your possession, which Moses the servant of the LORD gave you on the other side Jordan
Yep, it’s rape pillage plunder time!
Verse 8 And he spake unto them, saying, Return with much riches unto your tents, and with very much cattle, with silver, and with gold, and with brass, and with iron, and with very much raiment: divide the spoil of your enemies with your brethren.
Ah, but there’s trouble ahead, because upon arrival at the border some of them build a big ol’ altar, and then
Verse 16 Thus saith the whole congregation of the LORD, What trespass is this that ye have committed against the God of Israel, to turn away this day from following the LORD, in that ye have builded you an altar, that ye might rebel this day against the LORD?
The builders say “Chill”
Verse 29 God forbid that we should rebel against the LORD, and turn this day from following the LORD, to build an altar for burnt offerings, for meat offerings, or for sacrifices, beside the altar of the LORD our God that is before his tabernacle.
And the congregation does indeed chill.
Verse 30 And when Phinehas the priest, and the princes of the congregation and heads of the thousands of Israel which were with him, heard the words that the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the children of Manasseh spake, it pleased them.
And this altar? It has a slightly bathetic name….
Verse 34 And the children of Reuben and the children of Gad called the altar Ed: for it shall be a witness between us that the LORD is God.
Ed? That’s a talking horse, innit?
Joshua 23
None of us is getting any younger, so let the part tell the whole
Verse 2 (ish) And Joshua called for all Israel, and for their elders, and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers, and said unto them, I am old and stricken in age:
He points out he’s divvied out God’s gift. And that God is the ultimate force multiplier
Verse 10 One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you, as he hath promised you.
And there’s no looking back…
Verse 13 Know for a certainty that the LORD your God will no more drive out any of these nations from before you; but they shall be snares and traps unto you, and scourges in your sides, and thorns in your eyes, until ye perish from off this good land which the LORD your God hath given you.
And Joshua predicts the children of Israel will fuck it up.
Verse 16 When ye have transgressed the covenant of the LORD your God, which he commanded you, and have gone and served other gods, and bowed yourselves to them; then shall the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and ye shall perish quickly from off the good land which he hath given unto you.
Free will? Not so much.
Joshua 24
And although Joshua had predicted (verse 14) “And, behold, this day I am going the way of all the earth” he appears to have been given duff information, because he’s still alive next chapter to do the following…
Verse 1 And Joshua gathered all the tribes of Israel to Shechem, and called for the elders of Israel, and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers; and they presented themselves before God.
And Joshua recaps the whole sorry saga, from Abraham onwards. And ooh look, God’s been using bio-war. Did I miss that bit?
Verse 12 And I sent the hornet before you, which drave them out from before you, even the two kings of the Amorites; but not with thy sword, nor with thy bow.
And Joshua says it’s time to choose sides, and casually mentions they’re on Amorite land…
Verse 15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
And the people sayeth that they don’t want to change a winning game. Joshua is underwhelmed.
Verse 19 And Joshua said unto the people, Ye cannot serve the LORD: for he is an holy God; he is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins.
“Jealous”? That’s the least of it, I’d say…
Still, they reckon they’re fit for purpose, so Joshua writes it down on a stone which he props against an oak tree.
Verse 29-30 And it came to pass after these things, that Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of the LORD, died, being an hundred and ten years old. And they buried him in the border of his inheritance in Timnath-serah, which is in mount Ephraim, on the north side of the hill of Gaash.
Everyone’s obedient for a while, Joseph’s bones get buried in Shechem and Eleazar (Robin to Joshua’s Batman) snuffs it too. We shall not see their like again (sniff).
The King James Subversion 