So, David shags Bath-sheba, sends off her husband (Uriah) to die. God is pissed off. Amnon rapes his cousin, Tamar and gets killed by Absolom, who goes rogue.
2 Samuel 9
David tracks down Jonathan’s lame son, who throws himself to the ground and presumably wonders if he’s about to be executed. David reassures him
Verse 7 And David said unto him, Fear not: for I will surely shew thee kindness for Jonathan thy father’s sake, and will restore thee all the land of Saul thy father; and thou shalt eat bread at my table continually.
David tells the servant he will serve. “Right on” says the servant. And David seems keen to redeem himself in the eyes of the disability community…
Verse 13 So Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem: for he did eat continually at the king’s table; and was lame on both his feet.
2 Samuel 10
David sends a good will gesture of servants to a grieving son of a King. But for reasons that escape me, folks are suspicious of David. Can’t think why…
Verse 3 And the princes of the children of Ammon said unto Hanun their lord, Thinkest thou that David doth honour thy father, that he hath sent comforters unto thee? hath not David rather sent his servants unto thee, to search the city, and to spy it out, and to overthrow it?
So for the servants/spies it’s a close shave.
Verse 4 Wherefore Hanun took David’s servants, and shaved off the one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks, and sent them away.
They report back to David.
Verse 5 When they told it unto David, he sent to meet them, because the men were greatly ashamed: and the king said, Tarry at Jericho until your beards be grown, and then return.
The Ammon lot hire a whole bunch of Syrian mercenaries.
David’s lieutenant Joab kicks some ass.
Verse 13 And Joab drew nigh, and the people that were with him, unto the battle against the Syrians: and they fled before him.
And David goes on a punitive raid over the river…
Verse17-8 And when it was told David, he gathered all Israel together, and passed over Jordan, and came to Helam. And the Syrians set themselves in array against David, and fought with him. And the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen, and smote Shobach the captain of their host, who died there.
And the Syrians stop helping the children of Ammon. Simples.
2 Samuel 11
While Joab is out fighting and defending Israel, David is tarrying still at Jerusalem…
Verse 2 And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon.
Uh-oh, this is going to go Badly Wrong. For “Is not this Bath-sheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?”
So the King gets what the King wants, droits de seigneur and all that…
Verse 4 And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.
But forsooeth, she is knockedeth uppeth.
David gets Uriah along for a chat and tries to buy him off with “a mess of meat.” Uriah is having none of it. David demands an explanation (probably by now convinced himself that Uriah is in the wrong!)
Verse 11 And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? as thou livest, and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing.
David gets him drunk. Still no dice. So David then sends Uriah off to Joab with sealed orders, and it’s just like Freddie Forsyth’s “The Fourth Protocol”
Verse 15 And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.
Joab does as he’s told, and sure enough, Uriah the Hittite is Hit.
Joab sends a messenger back to David, who sends a message back.
Meanwhile, Bath-sheba is told Uriah’s a heap of dirt now, and she mourns him.
Verse 27 And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.
There may be trouble ahead…
2 Samuel 12
The Lord sent Nathan (angel? Emissary? What?) to tell David a story about a rich guy who used a poor guy’s only lamb to feed a stranger. David displays some myside bias.
Verse 5 And David’s anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, As the LORD liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die: And he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity.
And then the trap is sprung…
Verse 7-9 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul; And I gave thee thy master’s house, and thy master’s wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things. Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon.
Wriggle out of THAT one, David! Interesting that God blames David for killing Uriah, even though he didn’t actually pull the trigger. I mean, he only put a gunsight around him and encouraged the Ammonites not to retreat but to reload…
Anyhow, the Lord is seriously pissed off.
Verse 11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
Anyhow, the sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons…
Verse 15-6 And Nathan departed unto his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife bare unto David, and it was very sick. David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth.
The kid dies and the servants are dead scared to tell David.
Verse 19 But when David saw that his servants whispered, David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead.
David takes it well, changes clothes, worships the Lord, and eats what’s put in front of him. His servants are confused. David is pragmatic. While the kid lived, he fasted to ask God to keep the brat alive.
Verse 23 But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
And the grief fades enough for him to get jiggly.
Verse 24 And David comforted Bath-sheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon: and the LORD loved him.
Joab has almost won a battle, but wants David to finish it off in case the captured city got named after him.
David turns up, wins the battle and deals oddly with the captives. Torture or just humiliation?
Verse 31 And he brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brickkiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon. So David and all the people returned unto Jerusalem.
2 Samuel 13
One of David’s sons has fallen for his cousin. NFN, surely?
Verse 2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do any thing to her.
Amon’s “subtil” friend has a plan involving sick beds and asking David to ask Tamar to nurse Amnon.
It all goes to plan, he’s alone with her and says “wanna shag?”
Verse 12 And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly.
Then the little turd rapes her. And maybe projects some of his entirely justified self-loathing onto her.
Verse 15 Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.
And he kicks her out.
Verse 19 And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying.
But at least her brother Absalom will do the right thing, right.
Verse 20 And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house.
Gee, victim of sexual assault told to shut up so her attackers reputation doesn’t suffer. Didn’t see that coming at all.
Still David hears about it, the fucking hypocrite is angry. Er, plank in own eye, much?
Oh Absolom, Absolom, now your uncle/father (it’s not clear) is pissed off, NOW you decide you don’t like the evil little rapist bastard? Nul points, mon ami.
Verse 22 And Absalom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good nor bad: for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had forced his sister Tamar.
Two years later, on a sheeping trip, Absolum tries for revenge.
Verse 28 Now Absalom had commanded his servants, saying, Mark ye now when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say unto you, Smite Amnon; then kill him, fear not: have not I commanded you? be courageous and be valiant.
Amon’s killed, and everyone else flees. David initially is told all his sons are dead and that leads him to tare his garments etc, but then Jonadab (Amnon’s friend who hatched the plan that led to the goddam rape) says “Nah, it was just Amnon.”
The sons turn up at David’s, while Absolom quite sensibly runs for his life
And after three years
Verse 39 And the soul of king David longed to go forth unto Absalom: for he was comforted concerning Amnon, seeing he was dead.
2 Samuel 14
Joab, son of Zeruiah, (what a GREAT scrabble word that would be!) gets an actress to come to David with a tale that one of her sons killed the other and there’s revenge afoot and it’s all fugly.
It is of course, a trick to get David to lose his myside bias already. This is what good courtiers do, innit?
Ah, very poetic
Verse 14 For we must needs die, and are as water spilt on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again; neither doth God respect any person: yet doth he devise means, that his banished be not expelled from him
Finally the shekel drops for David (obviously not the sharpest tool in the box) and he tells Joab to go fetch Absolom.
Verse 22 And Joab fell to the ground on his face, and bowed himself, and thanked the king: and Joab said, To day thy servant knoweth that I have found grace in thy sight, my lord, O king, in that the king hath fulfilled the request of his servant.
Absolom, who’s pretty bling and has a very full head of hair, comes back. Has kids (including one he calls Tamar), but is not allowed to see David. So Absolom the ungrateful swine torches Joab’s fields.
Verse 30 Therefore he said unto his servants, See, Joab’s field is near mine, and he hath barley there; go and set it on fire. And Absalom’s servants set the field on fire.
Joab says “WTF?!!!” And Absolom explains his side of it.
Verse 32 And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent unto thee, saying, Come hither, that I may send thee to the king, to say, Wherefore am I come from Geshur? it had been good for me to have been there still: now therefore let me see the king’s face; and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me.
And it’s arranged, with David giving Absolom a kiss of… absolution? Something else. Stay tuned…
2 Samuel 15
Absolum kits himself out with chariots and horses and a crew and says he’d make a better judge (than David), which is successful Perception Management.
Verse 6 And on this manner did Absalom to all Israel that came to the king for judgment: so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.
So after 40 years (shurely shome mishtake?) he asks David for long service leave to take a trip to Hebron. Granted.
Verse 10 But Absalom sent spies throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, As soon as ye hear the sound of the trumpet, then ye shall say, Absalom reigneth in Hebron.
David gets wind of the conspiracy when it is too late to stop it.
Verse 14 And David said unto all his servants that were with him at Jerusalem, Arise, and let us flee; for we shall not else escape from Absalom: make speed to depart, lest he overtake us suddenly, and bring evil upon us, and smite the city with the edge of the sword.
They’re all legging it and David tells a slave Ittai the Gittite that he’s free to go.
Verse 21 And Ittai answered the king, and said, As the LORD liveth, and as my lord the king liveth, surely in what place my lord the king shall be, whether in death or life, even there also will thy servant be.
David insists, the Gittite gits.
Verse 24 And lo Zadok also, and all the Levites were with him, bearing the ark of the covenant of God: and they set down the ark of God; and Abiathar went up, until all the people had done passing out of the city.
David tells Zadok to take the ark back to Jerusalem and he may (God willing) follow.
Verse 30 And David went up by the ascent of mount Olivet, and wept as he went up, and had his head covered, and he went barefoot: and all the people that was with him covered every man his head, and they went up, weeping as they went up.
And David sends some guy called Hushai on a hush-hush spying mission, under cover of telling Absolom that David is willing to be his servant…
2 Samuel 16
Someone called Ziba brings provisions for David’s people.
David gets rocks thrown at him by Shimei, of the house of Saul, who tells David he’s getting exactly what he bally well deserves.
Verse 8 The LORD hath returned upon thee all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose stead thou hast reigned; and the LORD hath delivered the kingdom into the hand of Absalom thy son: and, behold, thou art taken in thy mischief, because thou art a bloody man.
Normally I disagree with these Fred Phelps types, but I’m willing to make an exception…
One of David’s lieutenants/sons wants to kill Shimei, but David says “nah, God’s telling him to say that. Who knows, maybe I’ll build up some karma points through forbearance…”
Verse 12 It may be that the LORD will look on mine affliction, and that the LORD will requite me good for his cursing this day.
Hushai tells Absolom there should be a referendum on who gets to be king.
Absolom asks his adviser what to do and they say “shag the concubines. That’ll piss off David, publicly, and your allies morale will go up “the hands of all that are with the be strong.”
So Absolum shags the concubines.
Verse 22 So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel.
And this advice is God’s way of influencing events, it appears…
Verse 23 And the counsel of Ahithophel, which he counselled in those days, was as if a man had inquired at the oracle of God: so was all the counsel of Ahithophel both with David and with Absalom.